Happy (late) Valentine's day everyone..I hope you all had a more enjoyable one then I did. I can quite honestly say I had the worst one ever. I was perfectly happy just writing my latest romance novel and listening to music when I thought I would give a close friend a call. I guess I was a bit down because yet again I was single on Valentines day. I didn't think I could feel worse. Why would there be a reason to feel worse? And then she told me. And I realised how wrong I was. I felt absoloutely awful. I have never felt so bad. I guess I had kind of been waiting for this but I didn't think it would come so soon. I didn't think it would come as such of a shock. But it did and it has and it's going to take me a long time to recover.
I just wish he knew. Knew how much I 'cared?'. I am finding it hard, oh so hard, to feel 'happy' for him. I know I should, but I just can't yet. I just keep thinking 'Why would he do this to me'? Which I know sounds so stupid! But it would have been easier to have just been told 'I don't love you', then to have this happen. One of the worst bits is that I broke down over the phone to my friend. I couldn't help it. All this time I have been trying to be tough. I am the person who doesn't cry at anything. You can punch me and I will punch you back twice as hard, You can kick me and I will kick you back even harder, You can call me names and I will call you names and hit you, You can push me into a bush and I will push you out of a tree.... but I Will.NOT.cry. At least not around anyone. But I did and I did for about an hour. You see, in our relationship I am the strong one. I am the one who wipes her tears away, or comforts her over the phone. I will be the one to carry her home after a night of partying whilst I am sober and she drunk. Yet, last night she was the one offering words of comfort to me whilst I choked on my own tears and clutched at my broken-hearted chest which felt as though it had a chunk ripped out of it. In the end we were both in tears. I haven't cried in so long. It felt almost strange when I got going. But then I couldn't stop. I cried so much it started to hurt.
But once I'd gotten over the shock, I didn't cry. My heart stopped aching. I went numb, felt no pain. I felt nothing. My brain turned off and I stopped thinking. My brain disconnected itself from my body and I felt no hurt. And so now, I am happy. Happy that he's happy. And happy that he can make someone else happy. And I know that anyone who gets to stay with him, is the luckiest person in the world. And that I hope they love him as much as is humanly possible. I hope they make him happy and have a perfect life with him. Even though, so obviously. It cannot be with me.
Happy Valentines day everyone. I hope next year is even better.
x
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