Me, Myself and SUN.

Hello Bloggers!

I haven't posted here in quite a while! How dreadful!
I've just been and had my passport photo taken...it's awful!! Haha, it makes me look like I'm half asleep and my cheeks look so chubby it's unbelievable! Passport is for the band DCE trip in September! Woop woop!! I can't wait for that! :)

I am all on my own this week :( My best friend is on holiday and my boyfriend is also on holiday! I am not looking forward to it..it's going to be so boring. But I am kinda looking forward to band this weekend! Last weekend was just....meh. Nicht su gut. Which is german for 'Not so good'. There was something wrong with me that day, not sure what but I couldn't focus like I usually can! And I made myself look like an absoloute tit! I really HATE it when I can't get something right! It annoys me so much and really gets me down! Which is not good. And the other day I went to the library. And I thought 'I am going to put a stop to this'. I'm sick of being angry and short tempered all the time. So I got out 3 books on 'anger control'. and for the next few days I have been reading them non-stop. Because I hate it. I hate being angry and not even knowing why. People just automaticly turn to me and go 'hormones'. But I know it's not. It's something different and I am determined to beat it! The only person holding me back is myself. So now I am starting to get into meditation. Whenever I feel myself getting worked up, or irritated I close my eyes and just think of a blue summer's sky. and I imagine the clouds drifting past and the sun shining down on me. And it really does help! Sometimes, if I've argued with someone of had a fight, I go to a quiet room and actually lie down and just imagine peaceful things and concentrate on my breathing. That works a treat! And anytime I feel myself starting to get irritated by someone, I just breathe in and out three times and think 'Rise above it'.

And you know, lately I've been thinking a lot about the future. Where will I be in 5 or so years time? What about 10 years? 20? Even 50! It's quite scary when you actually sit down and think about it. But if I am honest, I think I've already had to deal with a lot so far in my life. I've had to look after friends who self harm, family problems (however many many people have to deal with far worse problems to do with their families than I have, I'm not denying that), and I have already been accused of something I haven't and would never dream of doing, which then resulted in wrecking a friendship, which would have been nicer if I had been kept. I guess, in a way though, I'm not too bothered with it. I'm more angry then anything else (surprise, surprise) at them. And I have no intetions of ever talking to them properly ever again.

It's strange sometimes. I sit down and think...'What do people think of me? What do they imagine with someone says my name? Who am I to them?'..and I think for a bit and try to imagine. But then I realise I can't. Because deep down, I have absoloutely no idea who I think I actually am either. Who am I? I actually don't have a clue. I guess I am still searching!

On a brighter side of things though...the sun is shining today!! And the sky is blue! :) ......not that the sky is ever any other colour...but hey! On that note! Have a suntastic day people!! xx