Wednesday 29 February 2012
I feel like I'm slowly losing you and that scares me...
What do you do when your losing your best friend? The person you love and will care for always.Who should have been there for you forever. You used to talk so freely, carefree and with mutual understanding. But now it seems there a secrets. And it rips you apart. Emotionally, inside. You feel lost and insecure and scared. Scared to lose the one person who you ever truly trusted. And have no-one to turn to for help..
Monday 27 February 2012
That hill of mine is getting steeper...
So annoying. Everytime I feel like everything is going to be okay and life is good again, something else happens and everything falls to pieces again. I read my last posts here and think 'Wow, remember when I actually nearly thought things were going well again...I feel so different now.'
The only different to how I used to feel and how I feel now, is that I don't just feel alone, I know I am alone. I just don't know what to do anymore. I went to someone for help and support and in fact it scares me to think it didn't help me at all. And I'm just too scared to talk to them anymore, like I don't want to admit I feel like this.
The other night I had a deep conversation with a friend and in fact it helped at the time. I'm missing a very dear friend right now and a lot has happened to me over the past months and so in fact this one person I spoke too the other night helped a bit. And he made me understand that it's okay to still be hurt over everything that has happened to me.And it's okay to be angry and upset.And told me that it takes time to get over everything, and that's fine. It helped a lot and in fact I told him things that I haven't told anyone at all. For instance, the time I went in the sea in freezing cold weather and rain in nothing but a vest and leggings and thought right there and then I was going to die. (Obviously I didn't). I told nobody about that because I fel ashamed when I do. Ashamed at how weak I was and how badly I broke down. And you know, when I spoke to him, I saw something in his eyes which also showed on his face. It was an emotion. An emotion I am not used to and one that I have never got from people when I talk to them about everything. It was understanding. And a bit of concern and worry. And I admit, it was really nice to know that finally somebody actually understand just how much I hurt. And just how much I have broken. He actually listened to me when I spoke. And I have never spoken to anyone face to face about it before.
So yeah..once again I am approaching a depressing stage. I can feel it coming and I know it won't be long before it hits..Life sucks sometimes. I look forward to the spring!
And now to end on a slightly lighter note, here is me with Valkyrie, who is looking slightly more grownup then the she did in the last few photos I put on here!
The only different to how I used to feel and how I feel now, is that I don't just feel alone, I know I am alone. I just don't know what to do anymore. I went to someone for help and support and in fact it scares me to think it didn't help me at all. And I'm just too scared to talk to them anymore, like I don't want to admit I feel like this.
The other night I had a deep conversation with a friend and in fact it helped at the time. I'm missing a very dear friend right now and a lot has happened to me over the past months and so in fact this one person I spoke too the other night helped a bit. And he made me understand that it's okay to still be hurt over everything that has happened to me.And it's okay to be angry and upset.And told me that it takes time to get over everything, and that's fine. It helped a lot and in fact I told him things that I haven't told anyone at all. For instance, the time I went in the sea in freezing cold weather and rain in nothing but a vest and leggings and thought right there and then I was going to die. (Obviously I didn't). I told nobody about that because I fel ashamed when I do. Ashamed at how weak I was and how badly I broke down. And you know, when I spoke to him, I saw something in his eyes which also showed on his face. It was an emotion. An emotion I am not used to and one that I have never got from people when I talk to them about everything. It was understanding. And a bit of concern and worry. And I admit, it was really nice to know that finally somebody actually understand just how much I hurt. And just how much I have broken. He actually listened to me when I spoke. And I have never spoken to anyone face to face about it before.
So yeah..once again I am approaching a depressing stage. I can feel it coming and I know it won't be long before it hits..Life sucks sometimes. I look forward to the spring!
And now to end on a slightly lighter note, here is me with Valkyrie, who is looking slightly more grownup then the she did in the last few photos I put on here!
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