R.I.P VALKYRIE x

Guys, so much has happened in these past few months. And in fact nothing has really changed for the better. I'm still in that dark, lonely place, probably more than ever before.

Valkyrie passed away last month and I am still mourning her loss. I am heartbroken. She was the only thing that really helped me and I loved her more then anything in the whole world. I'm struggling to keep up with gcse's and still in pieces from the winter. Ah, the winter. I can barely think about it without crying. So many things happened to me during the winter just gone and I'll be honest, I'm still in broken from it all and it's only getting worse.

I just don't speak to anyone anymore. To them I am better. Nothing wrong. To them, I have forgotten everything from the winter and I'm carrying on like nothing ever happened. When, in reality I am far from fine. I'm having nightmares every single night. I haven't slept properly in weeks. And I have lost all interest in all my hobbies. For me now, it feels like my life is going nowhere. I'm stuck and everything and everyone around me is moving forward so fast I can barely see them go by. Nobody has ever really understood how I'm feeling, because I could never honestly describe how I was feeling. I wish I had the strength to help myself, but I don't. A month or so ago I had been making the effort to go to the doctors and I was getting help, but recently I haven't and now, with school and everything else I don't have the time or energy to help myself. Anyway, here's Val. Who I miss every single day and think about every single day without fail x

 x R.I.P Valkyrie- You were a true warrior hamster x

Don't hate me....Love me.

Love....

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.

Love me, That's all I ask of you..

Wishing you were somehow here again

Wishing I could hear your voice again, knowing that I never would

Too many years, fighting back tears, why can't the past just die?

Try to forgive, teach me to live, give me the strength to try

No more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing across the wasted years

Say you'll love me every waking moment

 

 

All I want is a world with no more night and by my side, to guard me and to guide me

It hurts..

Hearing a song which holds so many memories and breaking down in tears because it hurts so much to think of them.. <3

I feel like I'm slowly losing you and that scares me...

What do you do when your losing your best friend? The person you love and will care for always.Who should have been there for you forever. You used to talk so freely, carefree and with mutual understanding. But now it seems there a secrets. And it rips you apart. Emotionally, inside. You feel lost and insecure and scared. Scared to lose the one person who you ever truly trusted. And have no-one to turn to for help..

That hill of mine is getting steeper...

So annoying. Everytime I feel like everything is going to be okay and life is good again, something else happens and everything falls to pieces again. I read my last posts here and think 'Wow, remember when I actually nearly thought things were going well again...I feel so different now.'

The only different to how I used to feel and how I feel now, is that I don't just feel alone, I know I am alone. I just don't know what to do anymore. I went to someone for help and support and in fact it scares me to think it didn't help me at all. And I'm just too scared to talk to them anymore, like I don't want to admit I feel like this.

The other night I had a deep conversation with a friend and in fact it helped at the time. I'm missing a very dear friend right now and a lot has happened to me over the past months and so in fact this one person I spoke too the other night helped a bit. And he made me understand that it's okay to still be hurt over everything that has happened to me.And it's okay to be angry and upset.And told me that it takes time to get over everything, and that's fine. It helped a lot and in fact I told him things that I haven't told anyone at all. For instance, the time I went in the sea in freezing cold weather and rain in nothing but a vest and leggings and thought right there and then I was going to die. (Obviously I didn't). I told nobody about that because I fel ashamed when I do. Ashamed at how weak I was and how badly I broke down. And you know, when I spoke to him, I saw something in his eyes which also showed on his face. It was an emotion. An emotion I am not used to and one that I have never got from people when I talk to them about everything. It was understanding. And a bit of concern and worry. And I admit, it was really nice to know that finally somebody actually understand just how much I hurt. And just how much I have broken. He actually listened to me when I spoke. And I have never spoken to anyone face to face about it before.

So yeah..once again I am approaching a depressing stage. I can feel it coming and I know it won't be long before it hits..Life sucks sometimes. I look forward to the spring!

And now to end on a slightly lighter note, here is me with Valkyrie, who is looking slightly more grownup then the she did in the last few photos I put on here!

3 Photo's that describe me right now.

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